From the Trenches:  Answers to Parents' Questions 

Published for C.O.P.S. in 1996
Each question was answered by Dr. Bob Fink and by Ilene Dillon, M.S.W.  Ilene's comments, and some of Dr. Bob's, are available here.


Question 1:  How do I handle it when my son is crying and keeps saying over and over again, “I want to go home.  I want to see my Mommy?”  It usually only happens when I tell him to do something he doesn’t want to do, like go to bed, or clean his teeth, or when I bust him and put him in time out.  I usually handle it OK but could you give me some advice for next time?  He’s 3.5 years old.

Because there is lots of “missing information” here, let me begin by stating the assumptions I am making.  1) Your son’s primary caretaker up until now has been his mother; 2) you and his mother most likely have not made an agreement on the “routine” you will follow in helping him to learn to go to bed, clean teeth, etc.  It would also be helpful to know how long you and your wife have been apart, which would give an idea of where your son is in his emotional healing.     

Translated, “I want my Mommy” usually means “I want what feels familiar and safe to me.”  Something about your interaction in these areas of life does not feel safe to your son.  It could be situational or personal, for example:  being less familiar with where you live than where his mother lives, not having a “blankie” or other prop, being excessively tired, or experiencing your approach as “rough” compared to what he is used to experiencing.  Check to see what you can do to help him feel more safe with you and in your environment.

Small children function best with routine.  If you have not already done so, coordinate with your ex to determine a routine which both of you can follow in accomplishing the routine tasks.  Follow this routine.  A good reference book is Solving Your Child’s Sleep Problems.

Since your son is nearing 4, remember that 4 year olds are working on issues of personal power, i.e., “how far can I push this person; how far can my personal influence extend?”  If he senses any competition for his affection between you and his mother, he could be “working” the situation.  His aim is to release tension, not to “get” you, however.  Do what you can, if this is so, to resolve competitive feelings within yourself.  A “policy” that difficulties between you are worked out together before Mom can be involved (as in a phone call to “visit” when he is upset) is vital.  Stay emotionally neutral when you hear his pleas.  It is not him “preferring” Mom over you.  It’s a little boy doing whatever he can to feel safe and cope with what life is bringing to him.

Three year olds are tender creatures.  Adults often do not realize how tender they are.  After you have completed your transaction (time out is over, teeth are brushed, etc.), take your son in your arms and hold him comfortingly.  Tell him things like:  “It is hard living in two different places.  I’m sad that this is what you need to do.” And, “I want you to feel safe with me.  We also need for you to do what Daddy asks you to do.  Can you give me a suggestion of how we can do these things so that you don’t feel so sad or afraid?”  Then, of course, listen and implement, where possible!  To have him a participant in finding workable solutions will ease those difficult interactions.

Question 2:
My step-daughter is driving me crazy.  I recently found her wearing my scarf and carrying pictures that were in a top drawer of my dresser.  She seemed to have no idea that asking me to go through my drawers or borrow my possessions was the correct thing to do.  My husband says she will outgrow this behavior and that I should feel complimented that she feels so comfortable with me.  I feel invaded.  Am I being petty?  Will she "self-correct?"

Ilene's Answer
Bob and I disagree on this one.  I don’t think this will “self-correct.”  I think setting boundaries (and sticking to them) is a vitally important part of parenting that shows children we love them enough to say “no.”

In this country, we believe people have a right to privacy and to the private ownership of their things.  Accordingly, I do not believe you are being “petty” to insist that your 16 year old SD not take your things without your permission and knowledge.  

Bearing in mind that the job of a parent is to prepare children for adult lives, ask these questions:  “How acceptable is this behavior between adults?”  And, “What would happen to your SD if, as an adult, she took things from other women (bosses, roommates, etc.) as she is now taking from you?”  As parents, we often excuse behavior in our children that would not be excused in the “real world,” thinking we are being loving.  In fact, we may be setting them up for serious problems in adult life by giving them a very unrealistic idea of what is acceptable behavior.

I suggest you stop being concerned about whether you get “everyone mad,” and think, instead, about this child’s real need to learn appropriate behavior.  Ask your husband to do the same, and to support you.  I have often told my children “I love you too much to allow you to behave this way.  I am willing to have you be angry with me in order to do what I consider to be my job as your parent.”  Then take action to safeguard your things. 

As with younger children, “prevention” is the best approach.  Put important items under lock and key, controlling her access to them.  This may be enough.  If the behavior continues, however, determine (together, if possible) what consequence she is willing to pay for transgressions.  When she does lapse, then, it will not be necessary to get upset.  Instead, you can say:  “I see you chose the consequence instead of remembering not to take things from me.”  Then apply the consequence.

Try not to “take offense” that your SD takes things from you but not your husband.  Children are less frightened to push their step-parents because they are usually less afraid of losing them.  Your SD is asking you, in her way, to set limits with her and “parent,” her by caring enough to say “no” and mean it.



Question 3:  My young son seems angry with me.  He has told me that I am "mean to Mommy," though I have never done anything to earn that distinction.  When I have talked with him informally, he tells me that my ex makes derogatory statements about me (like "Daddy thinks he's better because he gives us money") when they are together.  This situation is so distressing that he frequently cries himself to sleep when he is with me.  No amount of consolation seems to matter.  My ex is also very angry and has so-far been unwilling to work things out amicably.  What can I do?

Ilene's Response:
Bob and I agree that distraction is not enough here.  Your ex-wife’s attacks must be addressed.  We do agree on emphasizing “no blame” for your son, and that a simple explanation is best.  I offer some words you can use!

Short of legal action (and usually not then, either), there is nothing you can do to change your ex-wife’s behavior.  It seems clear you have accepted that.  I congratulate you.  Try not to fall into judging her behavior as “sick.”  People who are angry and  hurt frequently lash out without thinking about the harm their words create.  If your ex’s destructive behavior continues at this level, therapy for all who will participate is indicated.

One of the “advantages” of divorce is that our children learn that there is more than one way to live, see things and “be” in the world.  You can use this in dealing with your son.

First of all, acknowledge your son’s feelings.  “You must feel upset if you think I am mean to mommy.”  “It is hard to understand why mommy and daddy don’t both live with you any more.  I’m sad about not living with you all the time.  I love you just as much as always.”  Acknowledge the feelings and allow him to feel and express them.  This will move them through his emotional system so they do not fester and do permanent damage.

These questions are real.  They need to be acknowledged and addressed, on a six-year- old level.  Often acknowledging the feelings is enough.  If not, try something like this:  “Mommy and I don’t see what happens in the same way.  I want you to know that I do not intend to be mean to mommy.  Sometimes something looks mean to one person when it doesn’t look mean to another person.  When I tell you to go to bed and you don’t want to, you think I am being mean, don’t you?  I’m not trying to be mean.  I’m trying to help you take care of your body by getting plenty of sleep.  But right when I tell you, you think I’m being mean.  That happens between grown-ups, too.”

Regarding “the fair,” how about a general statement, such as:  “There is not just one reason that I don’t live with you and mommy any more.  It’s sad, but mommy and I both had lots of reasons that we could not stay together.  You did not cause it.  Your mom and I are very different, and it was much too hard for us to live together when we are so different.  Nothing we did could help us to stay together.”

Hug your son and hold him as long as he wants.  Then play nintendo and read that story!

Question 4
My wife kicked me out of the family home six months ago, wanting to experience her “freedom” after marrying to young ten years ago.  She has custody, but I get to see the two kids (6 and 5) every weekend or so.

My son (aged 6) has misbehaved recently in school.  He’s had fits of rage and was caught hitting another child.  This is unlike him at all.  My daughter, aged 5, has been destroying toys at the daycare and she hardly eats at all, when in fact she used to have a huge appetite.

My wife is silent on the subject and partly seems to blame the school and its teachers.  I’m tempted to think it has something to do with our break-up. I’d like to know what I should do.  Should I try to convince her that only the two of us can intervene; or should I leave it up to her since she has custody?  I hate to think my kids are having a hard time dealing with this, even if it was to be expected.

Ilene's Answer:
I am very glad you wrote to ask this question.  Speed in taking action is of the essence in this situation.  Your children are in trouble; they need help.  The sooner they get effective help and release their pent-up feelings, the more likely they are to handle this crisis of loss in their lives.  Whenever crisis strikes, human beings have a “window” of time in which to restore homeostasis.  That window is almost past for your children.  When the window is missed, repetitive negative cycles can occur because the crisis has been “stuffed” and not handled.

If they (you and your family) have not already been enrolled in a “recovery after divorce” family therapy/support program, get them there now.  The symptoms they are showing result from anger, in the form of depression.  They need help in feeling safe and being allowed to release and express this anger.  

Recently I had a heartbreaking therapy session with a father of an 19 year old daughter who decided, when his breakup occurred near the girl’s 12th birthday, that her mother was too difficult for him to deal with and it would be better for him to step back and let the mother raise her.  The daughter is a mess:  unable to hold a job, volatile emotions that get her thrown out of shared living situations, poor life skills, unsatisfying personal relationships, etc.  The father is a very competent person, who would have been able to teach his daughter some of these vital “missing skills” that undermine her adult functioning now.   Seeing how decisions to “leave it up to her [him] since she has custody” actually turn out over the years, I would not advocate such action.  Two people had those children; two people need to stay involved in helping them grow up.

Your son, at 6, is at an age where children do get into fights.  They are very rigid little beings, often saying things like “the teacher said to do it this way, so you must do it” and “that’s not the rules….the rules are….”  This rigidity is fueled by held-in anger, leaving your son to get into altercations.  Do something now so that neither he nor the school starts to see him as “bad” or a “troublemaker.”  If their mother is not interested in therapy, take them yourself when they are with you.  For most parents, helping with the anger is not a “do-it-yourself” job.  (See my web page at http:\\www.dovecom.com/ilene for my book on “Exploring Anger with Your Child” which can give you some guidance in supplement to professional help.)

Your daughter’s symptoms are not consistent with her developmental stage.  She sounds angry and depressed.  Her symptoms indicate to me that she is angry about not having any power over what is happening in her own life.  The sooner she is helped to correct these feelings, the better off she will be for the remainder of her life.  

Please write back, after you have obtained help, and let us know how things turned out!


Question 5 
My ex-wife and I remain on good terms.  We spend a lot of time with our 7 year old daughter, Celeste.  We're like good friends most of the time, and handle situations where we feel upset by the other by having one of us leave.  Now my ex wants to make an agreement to spend all holidays together.  I think this will be confusing to Celeste, since we are not together and I don't intend to get back together.  Do you think we can operate like a family on holidays, or do you think this would be too confusing to our daughter?

Bob's Answer:
I can see where this could be confusing, and not only to the child.  When parents divorce, there is no longer an intimate relationship and each former spouse is really an individual who has the right and obligations to their own life.  When a child is in the picture, they should try to cooperate in the co-parenting of the child; but I do not believe that “being friends” is practical or even desirable after divorce.  I have said that a good relationship between divorced parties is that of a “good business arrangement”.  I am a bit disturbed at the unsaid aspect of the question where it is mentioned that “one of us leaves”.  How “close” is the relationship between former spouses?  If it is “too close,” then there is good reason for “confusion”.  Neither party has the right to control or even share in activities on the other’s turf.  It is not good for the child.  Read “Mom’s House, Dad’s House” again.

Ilene's Answer:  
Bob and I both seem to share a concern that Celeste is, indeed, being confused, as well as questioning the true nature of the divorced parent’s relationship.  

Children harbor the hope, long past the time when divorces are final, that parents will reunite and remarry.  Without clear behavior, explanation (and follow-through), Celeste is bound to feel confused in this situation.  I feel confused—and I’m not the child!

It is important for Celeste to see you and her mom getting along.  However, the real nature of your relationship is not clear.  Are you sure of what it is yourselves?  Even with the angriest of ex-spouses, getting together reminds us of their best qualities and the things we have loved about them.  If these feelings are coming up between you, they will definitely be perceived by Celeste.  Children can feel the feelings, then not know how to interpret them.  If, indeed, you want to remain divorced, then tell her:  “Yes, I have good feelings about your Mom.  It still doesn’t work for us to be a family.  No matter how well we get along together, I still am not planning to move back and have us be a family together again.”

Equally important is for you and Celeste to do things together separate from other adults.  Dinner, zoo, hiking, sports, yard work, movies or reading.  Whatever it is that you enjoy doing, share with your daughter.  What is very important to her is to know that you are happy being on your own.  Without this knowledge, she may dedicate herself to doing whatever she can to make you happy.  This is not the job of childhood.  Her real job is just to be a little girl and have a great life!


Here is a response to a "letter to the editor" done by Ilene Dillon:

An advice column is clearly not “therapy.”  In therapy, I would ask many, many more questions about individual families and situations.  If the situation involves chronically depressed children, cannot be quickly resolved following my suggestions, or involves mental illness, I definitely encourage getting more specific help.  Perhaps a “disclaimer” would be good to include, such as:  “The suggestions made here may not assist with your specific or urgent needs.  If your family has serious problems or the problems addressed persist for a long time, please seek therapeutic assistance.”

I agree with you that giving children (of all ages) as much choice as they can handle is preferable to laying down “rules” and insisting on compliance.  I do not, however, believe in “negotiating each situation” with teens, as you suggest.  All children need limits and boundaries.  They need to know those limits and boundaries are dependable. More children (and teens) run amok from having “negotiated boundaries,” based on my 26 years’ experience as a therapist, than from having even “unreasonable rules” to which they are held accountable.  When I respond in this column, I am assuming that parents are being as thoughtful and reasonable as they know how to be, without sacrificing the power of the boundaries they set by making each one negotiable!

Regarding the two parents sharing activities, I think both Bob and I supported such behavior but raised question, in the particular family addressed, that their behavior did not sound “clean” in terms of boundaries, and would most likely be confusing and damaging to the child.  I have known many divorced families who continue contact on holidays, vacation together, or meet for weekly family dinners.  This is very healthy.  In my experience, children can handle anything, so long as the parents are consistent and clear.  In the family in question, the parent’s behavior was potentially crazy-making for the child.  Whether they were “divorced and living separately” or “together” was unclear to us as adults!  I think this girl would be more damaged by a second let-down than by cautioning the adults to take more care in the conduct of their relationship.


Ilene L. Dillon, M.F.T., L.C.S.W.
Robert A. Fink, M. D.
P. O. Box 21708
El Sobrante, CA 94820-1708

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